Time's Up

My morning trips to school are usually filled with the rambling thoughts inside my head, but today was a little more serious. "Bronin, we need to do survey. Will you teach next year or no teach". The time has come: no more dodging questions - I have to tell my school/s I'm not renewing and it feels a lot harder than I ever expected.

I feel insecure about going home, with no plan. I still have big dreams, still want to travel and I'm not ready to give any of that up just yet. So why I am leaving? I would stay for my kids - I have grown so fond of them. My schools, although maybe a little uninformed when it comes to what GET's need, have always treated me well. I've made awesome friends here, I can travel whenever I want and never have to be bored. I get paid A LOT to do fairly little. I love Korean food. My apartment feels like home now. Did I mention I get paid A LOT. I'm terrified of what waits for me at home: not just the typical "South African is in a shambles" worries but what will reality feel like? I have to find a job - what if no one wants me? I want to travel - what if I can't afford it? What if friends have forgotten about me and things have changed? What if I regret not staying...that's the real issue isn't it?

But after all of that, my gut still says going home is best. I know everyone says 'now is the time' and 'we'll never do this again'. Last time I checked, I was only 23 with the world at my feet. Yes, I totally get where these people are coming from and know that maybe once I go home I will (braces self) settle...but I still feel like this doesn't have to be the end. We're in charge of the paths we choose to take and naive as it may sound, I DO believe that I can have my way. And isn't this the time when we are allowed to have our heads in clouds of idealist dreams and  fantasies, believing there is a place in this world for us that we just need to find? I'd like to think this is EXACTLY what I'm supposed to be thinking. And I really, truly, dearly miss home. I push it aside and honestly, the homesickness as such hasn't been as bad as I expected. But I miss my family, my friends, my home. I miss my fat cat who likes to block my view of the television (I miss my TV), I miss home cooked meals and a cup of tea on the porch, speaking to my folks about my day. I miss sharing in the birthdays, the girls nights out. I miss walking into a restaurant and not worrying about whether or not I'll have to sit on the floor, and be able to look at a menu and think, 'I know what this says!!'. Maybe it's time I stop reading about all the problems in SA, all that needs to be done there and actually go and see what I can do - stop running away from the responsibility I have to get really involved. When it comes down to it though, this is what makes me confident(ish) in my decision: the money I would make, the biggest benefit for staying, is not worth more to me than being back in a position of communication. That's been my biggest issue here and is the biggest pull home (factoring out friends and family of course).

So there it is. My decision in black and white. Will I look at the pictures of my friends who are still here next year and regret leaving? Honestly, I don't know. But right now, I need to be home, I need to see what else is out there. Korea has given me so much and it breaks my heart to say goodbye. But my time is up, I need to move on. Well, let's not be melodramatic (it's hard for me not to be) I still have 3+ months. But I really didn't think that actually going through with this decision would feel so unsettling, hence the sharing of feelings on here.

I know a lot of people are going through the same thing, some haven't even been able to come to a final decision yet. I wish you the best decision, as my coteacher told me, and remember that whether you stay or go, you'll make it work. How's that for a little bit of Friday motivational speaking hey?

To my friends and family reading back home - I am SO looking forward to seeing you all in February.

Happy Friday lovely people of the internet.